Chilled Out

Many Januaries ago, I landed at Midway Airport around 12:00 am after my flight had been delayed several hours due to a winter storm.  It was pretty cold, and windy, (which I expected,) but the snow was surprisingly gloppy (which I hadn’t expected), and was rapidly falling in teaspoonful-sized portions and sticking to everything made of asphalt, concrete, metal, glass, or anything else. I guess gloppy is easier to manage than icy, which might have explained why the flight wasn’t cancelled.

I cursed myself for having scheduled an early-morning interview for the following day. Thinking that a taxi would not make great progress in this weather, I boarded the (then) new Midway (Orange) Line north to Chicago’s Loop where I would transfer to the Ravenswood (Brown) train.

En route to the Jackson Street station, I remembered that the Brown line didn’t go north to my neighborhood after midnight (more cursing ensued).  I got off the train at the Jackson Street and was surprised that I was able to hail a taxi after only a few moments. The driver who was especially chatty, had a thick (almost caricature-level) Chicago accent and sported the obligatory Ditka mustache.

My pulse quickened a bit, when he entered Lakeshore Drive, the always-busy expressway that follows a serpentine course along the coast of Lake Michigan. I would have welcomed some stop-and-go traffic. Though the driver seemed remarkably at ease under the conditions, and talked  about growing up in Chicago and offered commentary on the local sports teams, while periodically reaching out of his open window to give the driver-side wiper a snap to dislodge the accumulating snow.

As cars blew past us, my driver became increasing agitated by others’ reckless habits  especially with SUVs that zoomed past us at speeds that were well above the safety threshold under these (or even dry, sunny)  conditions.

When one vehicle, came close to colliding with us–first from the rear and then from the right side–as it roared by the driver shouted his disapproval, while deftly injected a physics lesson–that covered friction, inertia, and maybe conservation of angular momentum–before pivoting back to his assessment of the baseball team from Chicago’s Northside:

After a few more moments I directed the driver to get off of Lakeshore Drive. He advised me that it he did that it would “take forever” to travel north because of stoplights and slow traffic. The thought that slow-paced traffic, on a straight-line road, seemed rather comforting. I told him that I had an interview in a few hours, so it would give me an opportunity to nap, so I was cool with “forever.”

“Wake me up if you get stuck so I can push you out,” were my last words before nodding off.

Seemingly moments later, the driver called out “Sir, I’m on Lawrence, near da Sears and Roebuck’s, which way am I turnin’?” Forever had arrived more quickly than I’d anticipated.

Minutes later I was in my apartment where I changed clothes, plopped onto my futon and crawled beneath the comforter. I closed my eyes momentarily and jumped up remembering I had an interview in a few hours. I anticipated a hellish morning commute to the West Loop, and set my alarm for four hours later.

Still more cursing…and a modicum of slumber ensued.

(Oh, about the video. I don’t have a mustache, and thus recording the video in Zoom, so make a digital one. It didn’t stay on very well, next time I’ll grow one, or glue one on.)

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Ice Breaker

Prior to moving to Grand Rapids, Michigan in the late 20th century, I worked in Central and North Florida, the DC area, and Chicago. 

I don’t remember ever being asked in any of the those places “What church do you go to?” or “Are you a believer?” as an ice-breaker, or small-talk, in a work situation. 

These questions have been posed to me by colleagues, clients, etc. with a sporadic amount of frequency since my relocation to Grand Rapids.

Though it seems to have been happening more often in the past couple of years. 

I don’t mind those two questions being asked, but I wish that people would recognize that my answers to those questions: “None,” and “No,” respectively, are not an invitation for them to continue the line of questioning.

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Smoke-Filled Rooms

This story about Zoom’s updated Terms and Conditions is currently getting a lot of media coverage. In a nutshell: it establishes that the company has the right to collect customer data to train Zoom’s forthcoming artificial intelligence features.

I think that is going to be the case in many software user agreements, if such language is not in them already. My opinion is that part of the problem with the creeping privacy invasions is that because the agreements have become so verbose and complicated very few people, actually read the user  agreements before clicking “OK.”

Since so few people are reading the agreements, companies are more likely to insert clauses allowing for the companies to gather more of your personal  data, or be free from legal action.

Earlier in my career, I used to get heckled by my boss for reading the user agreements when I did software installs and upgrades. “I only have to read it once, then I can upgrade all of the machines,” was my response.

In about 1995, that same company bought a software package with intent of launching a database-publishing model for our largest client. My boss handed me the box containing the install disks, and user guide, then issued a Captain Piccard-like “Make it so,” directive.

The box contained a fairly small instruction manual, and a fairly voluminous user agreement.

I’d only been in the office a few minutes that morning, but I kept getting paged for tech support requests on the overhead speaker. In between support calls, I  looked at the contents of the software box, thinking “I ain’t got time for this shit!”

As I browsed at the documents, I’d heard: “Scott Smith, dial 668…” “….dial 772….” “….dial 431…” so it was kind of a normal day. I really DID NOT have time to read the Terms and Conditions, install the software, and starting building variable-data publishing templates.

One thing that struck me about the software, was the price tag– over $2,000 (again this was in 1995). “This piece of shit costs more than Photoshop,” I muttered to myself.

The dollar amount alone made this seem like a high-stakes situation, thus I went upstairs to the newly-hired Corporate Counsel. I didn’t know him, and only had a few passing hallway encounters. He always had a cigarette in his hand, and seemed to be chronically over-caffeinated.  

I gently knocked on his open door and peeked in. On his desk:  a cup full of sharpened, point-side-up pencils, and a large ash tray with a colossal mound of cigarette butts, that I remember looked like this:

Closeup shot of a many cigarette butts, most with light brown filter papers, the filters is are yellow-to-brown

What Office Desks Looked Like In The 20th Century

He looked up and said “Can I help you?” though his delivery felt more like “Kid, can’t you see I’m busy?!?”

I described why I had approached him, and showed him the user agreement. As he thumbed through it, I heard on the overhead speaker, “Scott Smith, dial 728. Scott Smith dial 728.” He looked up for a moment and flipped a few more pages.

He asked, “This is a software agreement, isn’t software your job?”

I responded “It’s a legal document about software, I don’t think that law is my job.”

I heard my name on the speaker again, a different extension this time. If he was going to claim he didn’t have time to read it, I was going to make the same argument about myself (two more pages on the speaker supported my case), then I’d double-down that I wasn’t properly qualified to approve the agreement.

He sighed and agreed then began reading the document. I responded to my support requests and returned later. He motioned for me to come in and said quietly, “Almost Done.”

He signed the user agreement and I thanked him then faxed it (yeah, I faxed it) to the software manufacturer. Later that week, I got some time to work with the software, and it was a hot, expensive, mess. We didn’t use it.

I did find a suitable replacement, for much less money. Though we  abandoned the database-publishing endeavor, primarily for reasons not all technology-related.

I don’t think I’ve read (I mean really read) an agreement in the past 20 years. I have certainly not escalated the matter to a corporate counsel.

Do you read the user agreements? Does anybody, in IT, or the Legal Department, read them in your organization?



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Fair Winds and Following Seas

Our 19-year-old son had been talking about joining the Navy for over half his life. I was never sure where this interest came from, though we did dress him as Gilligan for his first Halloween and he was a big fan of the NCIS series.

The chatter slowed down a bit during his last couple of years of high school, so I was, admittedly, a bit surprised when he told us in November that he was going to meet with a recruiter. He signed a contract a couple of visits later.

Newly-Minted Sailor

The photo above is from after lunch on the day of his recent boot camp graduation. It was great to visit with him for a scant few hours before he had to ship out for his speciality training the next morning.

We are immensely proud of him and still processing many emotions (in my case, I identify more with the last two verses of “Puff the Magic Dragon” than with “Cats in the Cradle“).

Graduation weekend also prompted a nostalgic rush of distant memories of my tenure as a Navy brat. I hadn’t been on a US Navy base since I aged out of my “Dependent” status in my early 20s. (My last visit to any military facility is described here. I’m grateful that the Department of Defense didn’t ban me from all of its installations after that terrible joke.)

The graduation guests from other military branches, in dress uniforms, reminded me of living on “Military Road” in Connecticut between the ages of 3 and 8. Many of the soldiers, sailors, airmen and marines who lived there had special assignments and commuted to places like Hartford, or New London, on a daily basis, or (as in my father’s case) Brooklyn on a weekly basis.

It was like I had my own personal collection of living GI Joe dolls.

Also, I hadn’t been to the Chicagoland area all that much in recent years. I’m still stunned that one of my occasional downtown lunch/Bulls game spots–Timothy O’Toole’s–has several locations in the suburbs….what?!? And they now serve Teriyaki bowls (it seemed so wrong, but tasted so right).

Anyway….I digress. Our son shipped out for his speciality training in another region of the country. I wish him and his shipmates fair winds and following seas.

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